Head Bonks - don't laugh

If you hang out with enough former football players, you've probably heard them talk about having gotten their "bells rung" at least once.  Fortunately, at this point, most people take head injuries more seriously, leading to the current policy on head injuries in the NFL.  Unfortunately, too few people really understand concussions.

The following short list encompasses the answers I get when I ask adults and kids "What do you think a concussion is?"

• "It's when the brain smacks into the inside of the skull and gets bounced around and bruised."
• "When you get knocked out."
• "It's when you get hit in the head."

The first explanation is really what happens in a coup-contrecoup injury, and represents a more serious head injury; most head injuries don't feature this problem, fortunately.  The second and 3rd quotes are partial truths, and are part of the reason people, including doctors, miss concussions.

For definition purposes, a concussion occurs when a person sustains a significant impact, and then, essentially, feels funny.  Bonk/crunch ---> feel funny.  The impact can involve the head, or it can merely be a strong enough jolt to cause a snapping motion of the neck - back, forward, to the side, whatever.  The "feeling funny" refers to what doctors would call a change in mental status, and the following is a partial list of those symptoms:

• loss of consciousness
• blurry vision
• feeling foggy
• memory loss
• dizziness
• being off-balance
• speech issues
• discoordination

I have seen a lot of concussions, and here's (yet another) list of how they happened:

• Kid boarded during a hockey game
• Gymnast fell off uneven bars and landed on her backside but had her neck "bounce" hard
• Any number of football collisions
• Lacrosse cross-checking injury
• Child shoved hard by another child
• Kickball to the face
• Teen in a rush, hit side of head against door frame of car
• Home plate collision
• Fastball to the (helmeted) head
• Car accident with whiplash only.

Why are concussions so bad?  Instead of calling them concussions, let's call them "traumatic brain injuries," since that what these are - brain injuries.  I think most of us would agree that injuring your brain is bad, but how bad is it?  People with concussions and the dreaded post-concussion syndrome can suffer long-term or even permanent damage to vital brain functions like attention, judgement, balance, memory, and emotional control. 

Furthermore, some people have sleep problems, chronic headaches, and fatigue, chronic or not.  Some people even appear to suffer from ADHD/ADD-like or depression.  Google enough, and you'll see that former athletes have committed suicide after suffering from these issues.  Kids especially seem to be vulnerable to something called "second impact syndrome," which can result in either severe neurological damage or death when a person who already had a concussion suffers a similar injury before the original injury resolves.

Deep breath.

What can you do?  Read up on it; here are some good websites:

• http://www.momsteam.com/  (good overall sports parenting website, very accessible) 
• http://www.cdc.gov/concussion/HeadsUp/youth.html

Most importantly, if your children sustain big bonks and are acting funny, take them out of the game or situation and watch them carefully.  Call your doctor if you're concerned.  Have them checked out as soon as you can, in the ER right then if you're worried.  You don't need a CT scan or MRI, but you do need a good doctor who will listen to you and your concerns.

If you're really motivated, move for your town or school system to institute concussion education programs and make sure that your coaches, from youth sports all the way to high school sports, are aware of what traumatic brain injuries are.  Push for your school to have certified athletic trainers at every game.  Hopefully, with enough awareness, I won't hear the following after I advise parents to pull their kids from sports until they're feeling better...

"Yeah, doc, I hear you...you're trying to cover your butt, and I get that, but I had my bell rung a few times when I played football, and I'm just fine..."

Soccer

I coach my daughter's U6 soccer team.  The kids named us Orange Juice, because we have orange shirts.  We almost called ourselves the Orange Hats, but the funnier Orange Juice voted down Orange Hats by a vote total of 7 to 4. 

To feel my role as coach, imagine herding a bunch of insane leprechauns trying either to get the same pot of gold or to throw pulled-up grass at each other.  That pretty much describes it.  True enough, there are a number of 5 year-olds that grasp the concept of "small touches" on the ball to keep the ball in front of them, and there are even some kids who understand that getting in front of someone slows that person down.  The rest of the kids just run around and behave like 5 year-olds. 

The other day, I saw a parent on the sideline.  I already knew 5 of the families from last season; this parent is not one of the veterans of Orange Juice.  I asked her how her son was enjoying the U6 experience.  She replied that he loved it, but that she was trying to get him to be on the ball more.  I told her that he was doing great, if only because he's having fun.  It also happens to be true that he might be the best soccer player on our team, but that's not really all that important.

There's a part of all of us that wants our kids to do well at everything they do.  We want our kids to try hard; we know that practice makes better, if not perfect.  For kids, though, there are no failed athletic stints or knowledge of past semi-serious efforts that might have borne athletic scholarship fruit "if only."  For many kids, especially younger kids, trying hard means doing well.  Further, the goal is to have fun - why else would one play a sport or do anything, really?  Boring sucks.

If we can remove ourselves from the equation, and just let our kids have fun, the whole experience becomes better.  There is no "parents versus child" dynamic, no struggle for control.  The kids participate at the level they're at, and as long as no one is hitting anyone else with a baseball bat, or flicking snot at anyone else, everything is fine.

Last season, a parent walked up to my wife and told her that her daughter was having a great time with soccer.  During the game, her daughter, a child with some special needs, had run very hard to where the other kids were clustered around the ball, and started jumping up and down.  We coaches yelled, "Great job, Melinda!  Nice run!"  Her mother, apparently, had been about to say, "Melinda, kick the ball!  Don't just stand there!"  However, she realized that her daughter's goal is to run hard and jump up and down.

Should high school athletes have a similar goal?  Clearly, the answer is no.  How about 10 year-olds?  8 year-olds?  I think how you address practice and game habits depends on your children's interests, but always cheer them on.  If they feel bad about what they do, it won't matter if they're Pelé or if they like peeling oranges.  They'll quit.

Media problem, part I

The days of Frogger and Peter, Paul, and Mary have past.  We live in the time of Grand Theft Auto and Lady Gaga.  Are you really sure what your kids are doing?

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that total screen time for children per day not exceed 2 hours - and that less is just fine.  That means less than 2 hrs of web surfing, gaming of any kid, TV, movies, texting, whatever.  Our kids don't really see the point; after all, everyone's doing it (which is, of course, a familiar line of reasoning behind lots of things kids shouldn't be doing, including smoking pot).  What is the point?

Well, it probably starts like it does with many of us.  You're at home, you have a baby, maybe 14 months old, and you're trying to get "something" done.  Baby Huey doesn't appreciate your divided attention, and protests vehemently...so you stick him in front of a "Baby Einstein" video (which, by the way, does NOT in fact make your child any smarter than he was picking his nose...but that's another post entirely).

After a while, Huey doesn't like Baby Einstein anymore, so "educational TV," then Sprout/Noggin/Nick Jr...iCarly...Hannah Montana...Spongebob Potatopants...and then who knows what.  Eventually Huey has a playdate with a friend who has Leapfrog.  Huey can't get enough of that, and the Leapfrog eventually morphs into a Nintendo DS, an XBox360, a World of Warcraft or Starcraft II account, and hours upon hours of homework not done and class A attitude problem.

If the time spent gaming or watching TV doesn't warp your kids, the material very well might.  Grand Theft Auto has scenes where sex with a prostitute is highly suggested, and its cousin Manhunt 2 allows you to slit throats with glass and beat heads in with toilet seats.  A vile game called VTech Rampage allows someone to re-enact the multiple murders from the tragic Virginia Tech  scene in 2007.  In World of Warcraft, complete strangers can strip down to their underwear and rub their "toon" against yours, all while make lewd comments and gestures.  Even Facebook games like Mafia Wars are questionable; in MW, you regularly kill and rob others to get ahead in the game, and possess the ability to harass other players day in and day out.  Further, because it's a Facebook game, MW allows bullies access (potentially) to a victim's facebook page for some real life harassing.

Mind you, I have had innumerable conversations with families about this issue, so I have heard every response.  For the most part, people are surprised by my description of media, think that it wasn't a problem for them, so why should it be a problem for their kids, or just plain don't want to deal with the hassle of having the discussion.  These discussions remind me of some families' answers to smoking pot.  "I did it, I'm fine, so is he."

For both media and smoking pot, that might even be true.  Lots of people play video games or watch TV and are just fine.  Then again, the TV-watching/video game kid might play/text/watch for a good part of the day, tank school, and develop a serious behavioral issue that makes the idea of separate schooling attractive, just like the recreational pot smoker either decides that he doesn't give a crap about school, or goes on to experiment with coke, heroin, or even everyone's favorite cooking fuel, propane.

We all impose limits on our kids, from bedtimes to mealtime behaviors to amount of treats in a week.  Electronic media is no different.  Eating until you're completely stuffed, day in and day out, leads to being overweight, and there's an electronic media equivalent.  Knowing what the game or show is before you allow it, and then discussing how much is ok, is the best way to protect your children.

Grateful

I have heard some parents, from time to time, scratching their heads, asking, "Now why did I spend all this time with these little ingrates, since they're now destroying my house and flinging back-talk at me?"  Knowing our kids, we all know that they'd rather play, yell, pound things, crack pots together, and generally re-enact "Lord of the Flies" rather than do anything we'd prefer.  We also know that hunger, fatigue, and lack of entertainment make for grouchy kids, but sometimes it's difficult for us to handle the grouchiness if it follows a special activity, or if the kids seem oblivious to the idea that we JUST spent a lot of energy to make sure they had a good time at the (fill in the blank).

I was surprised to learn that my family shares some strategies to control un-grateful behavior with others.  I guess parent strategies are like key concepts in different cultures of the world, like the idea of the parallel evolution of "The Trickster" or "Mother Earth," or a Supreme Being in different cultures despite lack of contact between those cultures.  Here are our parent gambits for the thankless moments:

1. Outlawing all conjugations of bore - boring, bored, boredom, bore-fest, bored-to-death, bore-o-rama, bored-to-the-google-squared-power.  Kids should not be bored (unless they are placed in a plain white padded room with no toys).  However, we do allow for the use of the word "bore" in the sense of  "you're boring a hole in my head with that whining - could you ask me in a different way?"
2. Creating a grateful session after dinner, and on Fridays when we light candles we say what we're thankful for.  We encourage the kids to name 3 things.  The baby is exempted.
3. "I'm sorry, I don't think I heard that question without the nice word at the end of the sentence."
4. "I definitely didn't hear THAT question with the tone of voice you used."

The kids were a little reluctant to do it at first; they weren't sure what to say.  Considering our kids' ages, giving them (especially Claire) some ideas to start.  We've heard some heart-warming gratefuls:

• I'm grateful for my family.
• I'm grateful that Charlotte is feeling better.
• I'm grateful we got to see our family this weekend.
• I'm grateful for my friend.

We also heard some serious "gratefuls":

• I'm grateful that our family isn't sick.
• I'm grateful none of us have died.
• I'm grateful that we have food and that we're not poor.
• I'm grateful that Daddy's knee got better.

Some flittish "gratefuls" have made the list, too:

• I'm grateful that we had pizza today.
• I'm grateful we got to have dessert today, not like yesterday when we didn't get dessert.
• I'm grateful for ice cream!

It seems like the kids, at times, really think about things.  We sometimes have to cue them; Claire is, after all, only 5.  I believe that practicing anything makes one better at that thing, and good manners and humility and grateful-ness are no exception.

No fear

For those of you following this blog, you'll recognize Claire.  She's the goofball on the right, catapulting water into the air for the love of wetness.

Claire is the "See It, Do It" kid.  Many of you have kids like Claire.  They are frustrating for their fearlessness, and fabulous for their fearlessness.  She's the kid trying to get up from the table with an overloaded paintbrush, carrying the cup of dirty paint-water in her teeth while trying to step over Corinne...

...AND trying to pick up the Shiny Thing on the floor.  However, she's also the kid who marches over to the girl at Sesame Place with the same bathing suit as her, and chats up her entire family, asking them where they're from, what food they're eating, and if the girl wants to come over for a playdate, all while interjecting the Spanish she knows into the Spanish she hears them speaking.

After observing her chatting with this family the other day, I joined her.  I joined in part because I recognized my own (?usual) reluctance to venture outside of my comfort zone, and in part because I wanted to make sure that that family didn't need rescuing, and in part because the conversation looked...fun?  Yes, as a result of Claire's mingling, we met some new people and had a warm moment in our day, and, from the smiles on their faces at the plucky Claire, probably gave them a warm moment, too.

In a similar vein...I recently read "Born to Run," a truly excellent book about ultrarunning, running itself, "Well, you don't know me very well, now do ya?" and humanity.  I was struck at how Scott Jurek, perhaps THE premier ultrarunner of our generation, sits and waits for the last racers to cross the finish line during each of his day-long races.  Why?  Jurek relishes human connection and the need to help other to feel connected, despite having run 50-100 miles much faster than the stragglers ever could.

Mixed in with my thoughts on Claire and Jurek are some recently discovered feelings of mine on charitable works.  Enmeshed as we are in the raising of 3 young kids, we struggle to get out as much as we'd like to participate in acts of philanthropy (the acts more so than the giving of money).  However, when we do,  I am struck by how good it feels, and how connected we feel to our world afterwards.

I understand that we're all different, and that branching out is more challenging to some of us, yet watching Claire and Charlotte (who joined Claire in guerilla good-naturedness the other day, and was nearly as chatty as she) with that family reminded me that while we are our kids' best teachers, the sensei should also learn from the student.

Every Nook and Cranny

Try hiding presents for birthdays, Christmas, whatever, in your house with kids over 4.  Unless those gifts are behind locked doors, in an attic, or guarded by the soldiers from the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, those sharp eyes and prying hands will find what you’ve buried.  Like mice to a solitary crumb behind the sofa, they have uncanny radar for what is hidden.  

Why is that?  There are a few reasons.  The first is that kids have nothing better to do than investigate every square inch of your house, especially if you’ve been able to teach them to amuse themselves.  If you’ve ever lost something, ask your 8-year-old:  she knows where it is.  Another reason is that because of this intimate knowledge of their den, kids recognize any change in their environment, like an expert hunter noticing a single disturbed blade of grass, a Jedi appreciating a disturbance in the Force, or akin to the way old cartoons would show a background scene with one brighter colored toon (which you could be sure was the object about to move). Finally, they can just tell when you’re not telling them the truth.

There’s a good reason for that.  Famous neurologist Oliver Sacks, in his excellent book "The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat" has a chapter on aphasia (defined as the inability to use or understand language).  In a certain institution where some of these patients lived, they were observed laughing at Ronald Reagan addressing the nation, and they were taken with how nonsensical his expressions were.  They could tell that he was lying or making no sense, unburdened as they were with the need to make sense of innuendos or subtle meanings…and could tell that he, like many politicians, had another agenda, and was somewhat full of crap because his gestures did not make sense.

Kids might have the same reaction.  Part of socialization, part of growing up, is acclimating oneself to culture and societal expectations.  Understanding that tantrums in stores are unacceptable, that adjusting your underwear in public looks funny, that talking about your uncle getting married to his girlfriend in front of the girlfriend (especially if there are no public plans to do so...yet) creates an awkward moment, and that saying that coloring within the lines is “easy” when your little sister has just scaled Mt. Everest to do so makes your little sister feel bad....are all part of enculturation.

Hence, children are good at seeing when your "words" are off, and when your words do not match the feeling beneath them.  We throw our words at kids every day, and they know your words like they know their house.  For example, you might not have to say that Uncle Charlie has pancreatic cancer (a miserable cancer with very low survival rate), but don't tell them he's fine.  They either know it because he looks awful or they know it because your words sound wrong to them.  Tell them he's sick and needs to see a lot of doctors, and that you're worried.  Older kids can take more - younger kids don't need to know any more than that.

Just as you must take care hiding that special present, be careful to tell your kids the truth, or at least a version of the truth.

A village is never wrong?

Checkup with a father present?  Automatically, a list of "things to talk to the pediatrician about" pops out.  Why? Because we Dads, if asked, "how are things going with Johnny?" will answer, "Oh, not much.  He's a good kid.  So, what...do you have to check him out or something?"

It's not our fault - the Y chromosome is an X with a leg chopped off.  In essence, we could very well be lacking genetic material, stuff that might code for, I don't know, focusing for long enough to remember something...anything?

Switch over to the playground.  One might see a child climbing along the outside of the playground structure, 5 feet up.  If Dad's watching (or...rather...not paying attention at all...), he might look at the child and pause for a second, but then looks around for his other child (you know, the one he hasn't seen for a few minutes?).  If Mom's watching, it's certainly possible that she runs over and grabs the child off the structure, telling him it's too high.

I realize I'm painting with a broad stroke, and certainly, there are exceptions, but there's often a relatively laissez-faire parents and a planner, and though it often falls along the gender lines I created, it can be reversed.  Furthermore, I realize I am omitting single parents and alternate family situations.  The point is, in typical situations, parents tend to complement each other, and the child benefits from that dialogue.  One might say too high, the other says try it.  One blows things off, the other gets the rash checked out.  One says, "why can't she act her age?" while the other says, "She is acing her age."  Dad says, "Oh let him do it, what's the big deal?" and Mom says, "Once he starts, he'll think he can always do it."

Beth and I have a rule (that, now that we've been married for almost 12 years, we seem never to need to invoke anymore).  In the Beth and Brian rulebook, it reads:

"Whensoever a conflict between Beth and Brian shall arise, be it in the realm of child-rearing (a term that always made me snicker a bit), interior decoration, vacation planning, or ice cream flavor choice, the choice shall be determined by rational discussion, but is shifted away from a possible choice if either person really hates that choice."

Worked like a charm.  Beth used to ask me about curtains, furniture color, whatever, and while I usually had an opinion, usually the opinion was, "I don't really care," a phrase that tattoos me XY.  However, every now and then I completely hated one choice.  Decision made.

A famous Islamic passage states that "My community will never agree on an error."  So...make sure that you're listening to your spouse, since it's somewhat possible that the cautious mother, the doofy father, the detail-oriented father, or the absent-minded mother just might have the opinion that helps the 2 of you guide your child in exactly the right way.  Along the way, mutual spousal respect might also evolve.